Category Fear

When Your Internal Monologue Goes Mad

Intentergy Leave a comment

When we think of people going mad, the mental images of their insanity can manifest in a million different ways.

We might picture the tortured soul giggling, huddled in a corner, with eyes devoid of coherent thought. We could envision someone enraged and mercilessly searching for their next victim to mutilate. And sometimes, we imagine them simply closing in on themselves, shutting out the world, and stowing away any of the traits that made them “normal.”

Well, my internal monologue went mad this past weekend.

It’s not the first, and I’m certain, it won’t be the last time this happens, but my inner voice took a long walk off the short pier of reason.

After three weeks of battling a sinus infection that morphed into bronchitis and then into a “touch” of pneumonia, I was already feeling pretty run down. After being told, “You should be better” and “It’s been three weeks. You think you’d be over it,” by two people that I love, I felt even worse.

As the day wore on, I found myself home alone. In my efforts to be a valuable member of our home and society, I did some dishes. As I scrubbed the dishes, the dark thoughts kept washing over me.

“Do they think I enjoy not being able to breathe?”

“It might just be better if I DID stop breathing.”

“Seriously, if I just gave up, at least my coughing and nose-blowing wouldn’t annoy them anymore.”

The thoughts went on and on. The dishes got done. The floor got swept. I was out of breath, depleted of energy, and maybe just a little bit angry.

My inner monologue had gone mad.

What did I do?

Continue reading “When Your Internal Monologue Goes Mad” →

Wishing for Sasquatch & Upright Trees

Intentergy 2 Comments

In this world, there are all kinds of people, but it recently occurred to me that there seem to be two types of wishers among the throngs of earthly inhabitants. Some wish for the unknown, while others wish for what they know to be comfortable. On the trip of a lifetime, Hubby and I had the opportunity to hike in Juneau, Alaska, with friends. It was AMAZING!

As we trekked 5 miles into the Alaskan forest, one of the natural occurrences that our guide pointed out was that many trees had fallen along the path, completely revealing their roots because the soil is so shallow.

The fragility of the trees’ stability was fascinating because the tree roots where we live rarely come out of their deeply embedded homes without the help of a tornado or bulldozer.

Despite their seemingly easy downfall, the Alaskan trees managed to keep their roots together.

I don’t think I would be able to hold all my facets from flailing in every direction if I toppled in such a massive fashion.

As we made our descent, my gal pal and I marveled at how lucky we were to witness the Alaskan beauty and how hard it was to wrap our brains around just how massive the wilderness is. Walking arm-in-arm, we were in rapture.

My sweet friend, being the magical wish-maker that she is, said, “The only thing that would make this hike more perfect is if Sasquatch walked across the trail in front of us.”

Continue reading “Wishing for Sasquatch & Upright Trees” →

The First Person You Cancel On…

Intentergy Leave a comment

Dependability. Consideration. Support. Trust.

We all strive to bring these characteristics to our relationships. No one wants to be known as the “canceller” or the “flake” in friendship. Even with the universal expectation for accountability, we all know life happens. Sometimes we are forced to detour from plans or take rain checks.

I hate asking for rain checks, and it absolutely kills me to be the one who lets someone else down.

(Seriously, I lie awake at night and stew about failures to follow through on plans, even when there was no way to prevent it.)

Despite my extreme aversion to being a “canceller,” there is one person I let down way too often.

It was not until I started reading Rachel Hollis’ book, Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be, that I recognized my frequent-flake status.

In Girl, Wash Your Face, the chapters are dedicated to the lies we tell ourselves. These lies prevent us from seeking out our most successful selves. Hollis shares in her writing how she debunked her personal lies and her methods for overcoming predicaments she faced with each lie. I hadn’t even gotten through Chapter 2, “The Lie: I’ll Start Tomorrow,” when my personal-lie-realization rammed me right in the heart.

Continue reading “The First Person You Cancel On…” →

White, Puffy Turbulence

Intentergy Leave a comment

In June of 2024, our friends Barb and Eric invited us to join them for their 25th Anniversary trip on an Alaskan cruise. Hubby has always wanted to visit Alaska, and I was excited about the potential for a vacation. Without a second thought, we were Alaska-bound!

The cruise, however, required us to fly from St. Louis, MO to Seattle, WA. Flying is not Hubby’s favorite means of transportation, but he was willing to forgo his fears for the sake of Alaska. Casting his concern aside was well worth it, as our cruise was wonderful and Alaska was GORGEOUS!

On our flight back, the pilot announced overhead: “The seatbelt signs are now on, and everyone should remain securely buckled in their seats. We are flying through some rainstorms, and turbulence is to be expected.”

Looking out our window, there was nothing but blue skies and white, puffy clouds. There were no signs of turbulence ahead.

When the plane did its whole rocking and shaking thing (a.k.a. turbulence), the view remained unchanged. Fortunately, the disruption in our airborne peace did not last long.

After the flight, we were discussing the rocky portion of our ride. Hubby said he had been on planes with much more severe turbulence, and those pilots never made any kind of warning announcement. Our pilot’s heads-up made him feel better about the upcoming instability and helped him remain calm despite the storm.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we always had this kind of white, puffy turbulence?

I think this is a question I’ve needed to ask for a while now.

Continue reading “White, Puffy Turbulence” →

8,092,034,510* Other Possibilities

Intentergy 2 Comments

As I’ve ventured through the process of seeking healthy boundaries, there is a situation that has been nagging at my heart. (See my recent post “All Full Up – New Perspectives on Boundaries” )

It took me over a year to realize a former friend was just that. Former.

After 12 months of unreturned cards, calls, texts, and messages without a hint as to why for me to say, “It’s not me.”

After 2 years and 5 months, it shouldn’t hurt that someone severed ties bound by 18 years of friendship, but, dang, it hurts.

Here’s the good news. I am not alone. There are roughly 8,092,034,510* other humans roaming this planet, who could be my friend.

Your odds are just as good (if not better based on your geographic location). This statistic is formulated from the Census.gov projection that on January 1, 2025 there were 8,092,034,511 people on Earth.

So, even if one person has moved on or you have chosen to go a separate way from someone else, the world is full of other possibilities. Possibilities for you to find friendship, support, and love.

If you are in a lonely situation or a place of being put aside, I hope you find solace in the fact that you have options. The odds are favorable that others have felt the same way. Even better there is someone out there to help you heal because, hey, they’ve been there too!

The Intenergy message here is that we are not alone. Ending a relationship or losing a connection with someone hurts. We can’t avoid those kinds of suffering, but we can give ourselves some grace as we move, grow, or heal when a relationship falls apart. We can embrace the potential for new friendships or greater development of old ones. With 8,092,034,510* other folks making their way through this world, we are bound to find someone to build a connection with and fulfill our lives in healthy, loving, and productive ways. You are not alone (verified by Census.gov).

By: Melanie A. Peters

P.S. The * is due to the fact that 8,092,034,511 is an estimate. People are always being born and passing away, and I wasn’t sure I should count you or myself in the estimate because I am the one experiencing a loss and maybe you are the exception because you are looking for a new friend. ANYWAY, the * means there are still lots of possibilities for friendships, love, and bonds out there.

P.P.S. I love ALL my friends, even if we haven’t spoken for a while OR they didn’t choose Kentucky to win on their March Madness bracket.

All Full Up – New Perspective on Boundaries

Intentergy 2 Comments

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are by Lysa TerKeurst screamed, “Read me!” from the shelves at the bookstore, library, and in my Amazon “Something you might like” recommendations. I added it to my WTR list and after a particularly disheartening week, I thought I’d give it a listen while Ubering the kids around. Yup, Amazon was right. I do like it.

I’m grateful I chose to listen to the audio version because hearing the words from Lysa TerKeurst’s actual voice made the message much more authentic and relatable, but it’s the words that have my heart aching for healthier ways to set boundaries for those I love and myself.

The crazy thing is that it took nearly to the end of the ninth chapter in a twelve-chapter book for my desperate self to realize my real problem. It’s not the expectations of others that fuel my need to establish boundaries. My issue is that I’m trying to build boundaries from the wrong end of the emotional gas gauge. I am full up on obligations while running on empty when it comes to inspiration, self-worth, and time.

Before listening to Lysa’s narrative, I believed that creating boundaries between myself and others could cause me to fail as a Christian. I thought refusing to give of myself as Christ did resulted in others not needing or appreciating me, and the best way to feel accepted and helpful was to run myself into the ground fulfilling the expectations of others. (If I’m killing myself to help, they will see my efforts and love me more, right?!?)

Continue reading “All Full Up – New Perspective on Boundaries” →

Trapped by Uncertainty?

Intentergy Leave a comment

Fear of the unknown has to be one of the scariest things I can think of, but sometimes my inquisitive nature gets the better of me and I JUST HAVE TO KNOW. One such adventure presented itself on a visit to the Missouri Botanical Gardens. In one of the garden’s centers, there was a hexagon-shaped glass case, illuminated with red lights, and labeled “Vivian’s Burrow.” (I named it the “Hexagon of Uncertainty.”)

To discover Vivian’s identity, guests have to climb into the stand and view the burrow from inside the glass. There is no way to escape quickly if what’s inside that burrow is too scary. Its inhabitant will be right there, in your face, until you can wiggle your way back out. You could be temporarily trapped at eye-to-eye with uncertainty and your greatest fear.

I JUST HAD to see who Vivian was.

(Rachel was not as “curious” and did NOT venture into the “Hexagon of Uncertainty.”)

Me inside the “Hexagon of Uncertainty” looking for Vivian’s Burrow

I am not particularly fond of any rodent, to be honest, so I was slightly afraid that I was going to find myself nose to nose with some sort of mousey creature.

Continue reading “Trapped by Uncertainty?” →