Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are by Lysa TerKeurst screamed, “Read me!” from the shelves at the bookstore, library, and in my Amazon “Something you might like” recommendations. I added it to my WTR list and after a particularly disheartening week, I thought I’d give it a listen while Ubering the kids around. Yup, Amazon was right. I do like it.

The crazy thing is that it took nearly to the end of the ninth chapter in a twelve-chapter book for my desperate self to realize my real problem. It’s not the expectations of others that fuel my need to establish boundaries. My issue is that I’m trying to build boundaries from the wrong end of the emotional gas gauge. I am full up on obligations while running on empty when it comes to inspiration, self-worth, and time.

Before listening to Lysa’s narrative, I believed that creating boundaries between myself and others could cause me to fail as a Christian. I thought refusing to give of myself as Christ did resulted in others not needing or appreciating me, and the best way to feel accepted and helpful was to run myself into the ground fulfilling the expectations of others. (If I’m killing myself to help, they will see my efforts and love me more, right?!?)

In writing about “The Golden Rule,” Lysa flipped the switch on “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” helping me recognize that it is healthy to show others boundaries and construct those limits because God asks us to. We can’t fill our emotional tank if we always take on tasks that empty our reservoirs. If we want to love others well and maintain our best selves, we must have healthy limitations in our relationships (personal and professional).

If we keep saying yes to someone because we are afraid of failing them, we will eventually fail them, and running ourselves ragged because of that fear really doesn’t get us anywhere but hurt and exhausted.

I never considered that by doing everything for everyone else I might be getting in the way of what God has planned for them. To be a true follower of that priceless rule, boundaries should be constructed so that I’m not draining myself of precious energy and self-worth while interrupting God’s plans (even though I mean well). Can you relate?

Taking on too much, in hopes of being appreciated, can never supply us with vitality. If we honestly want to love and be loved, we must dedicate our time and talents from a place full of potential, love, and healthy generosity.

It won’t do us any good to expect others to fill our hearts and minds with power and self-appreciation because it won’t happen. They will continue to ask of us, even when we have no more to give, because we did not set clear limitations on what we can and will do. Trying to make others happy might have filled our calendar with obligations but it also fills us with a sense of never-enough and false hope for acceptance.

Here’s the Intentergy boundary challenge. Find what time, talent, and strength you possess in healthy levels. This might mean you eliminate a few obligations or previously expected plans. Your boundaries need to start somewhere. When you reach a positive capacity to take on tasks for those you love, accept with an honest understanding of what you can and can’t do. Be clear about the expectations when you commit to the task to yourself and those you plan to help. Make the most of your efforts without violating those boundaries. This is where you will discover it’s a whole lot easier to find yourself filled up with love and the capacity to serve, instead of fed up with too many demands.

By: Melanie A. Peters

P.S. When I wrote/read/edited/published that last paragraph, I mentally inserted my name in every sentence next to the word “you.“ I made that paragraph speak to me. Setting boundaries is hard.

Book Information:
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are By Lysa TerKeurst, Published November 8, 2022, ISBN 9781400211760

I also highly recommend The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands by Lysa TerKeurst. It’s one of the books that inspired me to start my blog.