Tag Advice

All Full Up – New Perspective on Boundaries

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Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are by Lysa TerKeurst screamed, “Read me!” from the shelves at the bookstore, library, and in my Amazon “Something you might like” recommendations. I added it to my WTR list and after a particularly disheartening week, I thought I’d give it a listen while Ubering the kids around. Yup, Amazon was right. I do like it.

I’m grateful I chose to listen to the audio version because hearing the words from Lysa TerKeurst’s actual voice made the message much more authentic and relatable, but it’s the words that have my heart aching for healthier ways to set boundaries for those I love and myself.

The crazy thing is that it took nearly to the end of the ninth chapter in a twelve-chapter book for my desperate self to realize my real problem. It’s not the expectations of others that fuel my need to establish boundaries. My issue is that I’m trying to build boundaries from the wrong end of the emotional gas gauge. I am full up on obligations while running on empty when it comes to inspiration, self-worth, and time.

Before listening to Lysa’s narrative, I believed that creating boundaries between myself and others could cause me to fail as a Christian. I thought refusing to give of myself as Christ did resulted in others not needing or appreciating me, and the best way to feel accepted and helpful was to run myself into the ground fulfilling the expectations of others. (If I’m killing myself to help, they will see my efforts and love me more, right?!?)

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The Unexpected (Unwanted) Push

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When I was collecting ideas for my post on the Monster Hissy Fit, my friend Angela told me about a time when her daughter Brielle melted down and held up the queue for a zipline ride. The story of that zipline experience inspired its own post.

As many rides do, the Pumpkin Patch zipline required riders to be a certain height and weight and to wear a safety helmet. Brielle has wonderfully thick, dark hair. She always wears it in a high ponytail. The safety helmet for the zipline required her to lower the ponytail. Brielle was not agreeable to this stipulation and refused to let Angela redo her hair.

The line was growing longer, the ponytail was not fitting tightly in the helmet, and the operators of the ride were not willing to let her go without the helmet fitting snuggly. Angela did what any rational mother would do in this situation.

She shoved the helmet over the ponytail, pushed her daughter off the platform, and let the ride operators know she took responsibility for her daughter’s safety and the loose helmet.

After experiencing the exhilaration of the zipline, Brielle came running from the ride, face flushed back to Angela, and she cried in disbelief, “You pushed me!”

Her obstinate girl got what she wanted, but she did not appreciate Angela’s push.

Have you ever been pushed into something you weren’t ready for?

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Don’t Feed the Fears.

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Last week I heard someone say, “Fear is what you feed it.” It wasn’t the first time I’d heard it, but for some reason this time the adage activated my little, blog-writing mind. I began thinking about all the fears I have been feeding lately. Holiday planning pressures, parenting failures, scheduling screw-ups, physical fitness, and financial flops were just a few of my starving stressors.

To assuage my anxious appetite, I planned to attend a Stretch and Flex class at the gym. It’s a yoga-inspired class that is calming and physically challenging all at once.

I was stoked.

Unfortunately, I was also at the gym at the WRONG time.

When I arrived, I saw the yoga mats being rolled up and stationary bikes being rolled out. What!?! Stretch and Flex was the 5:00 a.m. class. I had just showed up for the 5:50 a.m. spin class.

This did not look relaxing. This looked like I was going to have to get on a bike.
(I have never been much of a bike rider and the idea of a spin class frightened me.)

My friend Kristen, the class instructor, was elated to see me and rushed to adjust MY bike seat to the correct height and help shove my feet in the strap, cage-looking contraptions on the pedals.
(What if I fell off? I was going to be hung up in a stationary bike. This was going to be rough.) Kristen kindly showed me where to put my water bottle and placed a hand weight on my handlebars. Apparently, I was ready for spin class.

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The Cost of Frugality

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When I was a kid, one of the most exciting parts of going back to school was new “school” shoes. In keeping that tradition alive, I always make a big deal about new shoes for my kiddos when shopping for school supplies. This year was no different, except for the fact that my 13-year-old refused to get new sneakers. His feet had outgrown every pair of shoes he owned, but it did not matter. He refused to even look at a pair of tennis shoes.

Normally, my son is a sneaker-head. He LOVES shoes, particularly basketball and baseball footwear.

When I asked him why he didn’t want new shoes, he said, “I’m saving you and Dad money.”

I then asked, “If I don’t buy you new school shoes, do you believe I won’t make you go back to school?”

He gave me a sly grin and said, “Maybe.”

He is ridiculous. His ankles were hurting. Due to the holes in his shoes, his toes had experienced multiple traumas. He complained of his knees aching. Never did he realize that it might have had something to do with his tragic choice of footwear.

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Defining Sabbatical

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What the heck is a “sabbatical”? This was the question my kids asked as I planned a mini-vacation for myself. I explained to them that a “sabbatical” was my time to recharge after surviving the spring semester. According to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, a sabbatical is a break or change from a normal routine (as of employment).

What does “sabbatical” mean to you?

After subbing the last 13 weeks of the school year for junior high language arts and fulfilling my duties for our farm, I needed a break from the “normal” routine. I needed a complete reset, so booking a cabin for a couple of nights made perfect sense. My packing consisted only of comfortable clothes, food, books, wine, and melatonin. I was bound and determined to relax on my “sabbatical.”

The hardest part about taking the sabbatical was my guilt. I felt terribly guilty about leaving hubby and the kiddos and neglecting my responsibilities at our home and farm. I felt guilty about missing baseball games and gymnastics practices. I felt guilty about leaving my dog. I felt guilty about the fact that I had no purpose other than to rest. I was crazy.

Taking those 72 hours to relax, recharge, and rediscover my motivation was the healthiest thing I could have done. I now believe that is what a sabbatical should do.

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How Did the Holy Family Figure It Out?

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It’s crazy how often we find ourselves praying for one thing and then the words of someone we love or respect smack us right upside the head with the truth about what we need in place of what we thought we wanted. This past Sunday, I entered church in a very snippy mood. My children had aggravated me to the point I was not feeling very faithful. I kneeled in the pew and prayed for God to help me handle my little heathens.

It just so happened that this Sunday was the feast of the Holy Family and the readings were about what God asked of Mary and Joseph, how Mary held all the worries and wonders in her heart, and how Jesus grew smart, strong, and full of grace. Our priest Father Tony is one of the most relatable pastors we could ever ask for. He started his homily by speaking on how happy it made him to see the way our community always comes together and the work we do to raise our children well. He went on to say that he knew not all families were made the same. He mentioned the “nuclear” families, the blended families, the families made up of grandparents raising grandchildren, foster families, and any variety of “dysfunctional” families possible. He told us of his estranged brother and how it hurt him to think of his brother’s decision to remove himself from their lives.

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Pull a Swap-a-doodle

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Swapping out negative energy or non-productive habits for ones that can propel us in a positive direction isn’t always easy. Most of the time our pessimistic mindset is the first hurdle we face. We start off by failing to believe in our ability to reach a goal. Today’s focus for Intentergy is to remind you of the power of the swap-a-doodle.

Positive energy can come from just about anywhere, but the swap-a-doodle stimulation for me came from Jen Hatmaker, one of my favorite authors. In her book, Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire: The Guide to Being Glorious You, she encourages readers to make the world a better place by pursuing their dreams. Hatmaker points out that when we make excuses for not having enough time or resources to chase our dreams, we simply need to switch out something that isn’t part of reaching the goal for a choice that can help create opportunities. Jen reminds us on pg. 118 that making the move towards attaining success rarely impacts others in the ways we fear and usually leads to finding support from friends and family. Along with a cheering squad, we often discover the shift “just replaces something that already held open time slot or energy required. You get to do a swap-a-doodle and plug right in.” That, my friends, is the beauty of a swap-a-doodle.

As 2023 is still a relatively new year, I encourage you to figure out which swap-a-doodles might make your year a swapping success. If it’s healthier habits, re-establishing relationships, or capturing a new career, I have absolute faith that you possess what it takes to shift with gusto the elements necessary to be triumphant in turning things around. With a little humor, determination, and flexibility, you have what it takes to swap-a-doodle with the best of them. So stop doodling and get swapping!

By: Melanie A. Peters

P.S. Swap-a-Doodles can also be referred to as switcher-roos, flippy-floppies, and/or out-with-the-oldies-in-with-the-newbies.

P.P.S. What swap-a-doodle are your seeking this year? I’m letting go of a little sleep for more writing time.

Sources:

Hatmaker, Jen. 2020. Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire: The Guide to Being Glorious You. Nelson Books; Nashville. pg.118.

Turning Things Around?

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When poults (baby turkeys) arrive on our farm, they are less than 24 hours old. They are cute, hungry, thirsty, and not very smart. In addition, they are top heavy thanks to their full yolk sacs and skinny legs. For about the first 7 days of their lives, it is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of time flipped onto their backs, kicking their spindly, little legs like crazy, and looking up instead of ahead.

Appropriately, we, in the turkey industry, call the flipped-over poults, “flippers.”

A flock with a lot of “flippers” takes more time to care for because we spend so much time walking through the range house setting the spinning birds right-side up. Often they flip back over or a stampede of other poults pushes them prone again, but we still work to set them all in the right direction.

I feel like many of us are “flippers” in our lives because we allow the weight of our overthinking and worry to upend our outlooks or the pressure of trying to go with the flock to capsize our cause. Just like the extra time it takes to care for a building full of “flippers,” we are too panicked about our problems and freaking out instead of finding ways to fix them. We spend too much time failing to find the solution to turning things around in our lives.

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Swamped in a Hive

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Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a parent who is inundated with the behaviors and requests of their children? It’s like trying to locate the queen bee in a hive of crazy. Nobody is concerned about or can comprehend what’s being said, focus is going in a million directions, and the constant buzz is enough to drive everyone in and outside of the hive crazy.

This past weekend I witnessed my friend, Jamie, at the heart of her own wild hive. We were hanging out at a friend’s shop, and for some unknown-to-our-children reason trying to have a conversation.

While Jamie balanced her son on one leg, her daughter traipsed passed walking her baby doll by the hair. Without warning, the baby doll leapt onto Jamie’s vacant leg and began marching up her arm and then rested on her head. Shortly there after, Jamie’s husband asked her about something he couldn’t remember, and she replied calmly with whatever he needed to know. Barely skipping a beat, Jamie continued on with our conversation. After finishing her sentence to me, she politely asked her daughter to take the doll to play somewhere else. Her daughter’s response, “But I need you to be my jungle gym.”

Well, there you had it.

Jamie was needed.

She was a comfy place to sit for her son, reference library for her husband, an apparatus for her daughter’s baby doll activities, and a hub of conversation for me.

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At Least You Don’t Have Hobbit Feet and Ears – Wise Words Wednesday

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I think I speak for a lot of folks when I say that starting the day as a pandemic-exhausted parent has me feeling like Gandalf facing the legions of Sauron’s forces while also being Frodo seeking the best route up Mount Doom to destroy the Ring. I just want to make the bad stuff go away and bring about peace without too much destruction.

Just as Gandalf, Frodo, and their companions discovered, there are an awful lot of things looming in the way before we can make each day successful. Thankfully J.R.R. Tolkien provided many layers of inspiration for us in The Lord of the Rings series starting with, “There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.” (A totally Intentergy way of thinking.)

hobbits 7

To bring the full Intentergy spirit to this post I want to remind everyone that it’s good to not have just one “precious” person or thing that absorbs all our energy and attention. Keep your loyal and loving companions close. If you get lost, scared, or distracted, there are plenty of ways to turn a new page. 

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